


I Chose You

by thereisalwaysanand



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Destiel One Shot, M/M, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-30
Updated: 2015-11-30
Packaged: 2018-05-04 03:12:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5318261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thereisalwaysanand/pseuds/thereisalwaysanand
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cas is tired of being Dean's second choice and Dean thought he could fool the universe.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Chose You

**Author's Note:**

> "And I know, oh no,  
> You've fallen from the sun,  
> Crashing through the clouds.  
> I see you burning out.  
> And I know, oh no,  
> that I put up a front  
> But maybe just this once,  
> let me keep this one."  
> -All Alright, FUN.

“So that’s it then. You can’t even help me with this one small thing, Dean?” Cas’ blue eyes are steel and glint with rage.

“Well, Cas, it’s not exactly a good time. I don’t know if you’ve forgotten but the friggen darkness is on my ass and Sam is having visions of the cage, of all goddamn things, so no, I cannot help you right now.” Dean grits his teeth and takes another sip of beer. “Can’t you just wait a few days? I just need a minute to catch my breath, and this book will still be there in a week.”

This is a very true fact. No one, besides Cas and a handful of angels, knew where this book of spells was. Plus, Cas himself didn’t even need the book, he told Dean that he wanted it to help restore his grace but in truth it held a spell that might help Sam understand the visions and, ultimately, find god. Cas knew better than to give Dean false hope, so he lied, hoping that Dean would take pity on his friend and help. Obviously, it wasn’t going to plan, and Cas knew that if he just mentioned Sam, Dean would rise to the occasion, and that was the problem.

“Dean…” Cas’ voice is heavy with the anger he is holding back, words he wants to say but fears the consequences.

“Cas, please. I will help you, just not right now.” Dean stands from his chair and turns to leave the map room.

“I chose you.” The angel’s voice is louder than he intended, and it’s unclear whether it’s the volume, or the meaning of the words, that makes Dean stop mid-step. Cas takes a small breath in and then continues, holding the tone and volume. “I keep. Choosing. You. Over and over again. I choose you, I loose everything, I give everything for you. And I get nothing in return. You choose Sam. Every. Damn. Time.”

When Dean turns to face him, mouth open to speak, he is taken aback by the sight of him like this. Dean has to mentally remind himself what year it is, because before him is not the Netflix watching Cas of 2015, it’s Castiel, angel of the lord, motherfucking badass, who he met in that barn all those years ago. When he finds his voice again, it’s not the crass comment he had planned, it’s the question he had held in his heart for years, too afraid to ask. “Why?” He all but yells the word.

Castiel cocks his head and squints his eyes. “You’re asking me why, Dean? You, of all people?”

Dean nods, feeling his mouth go dry, and his jaw clench. At his sides, his hands are balled into fits.

“Why do you choose Sam?” Cas’ voice drips with bitterness.

“Because he’s my brother.”

“No. Because you love him. Love makes you do things like sell you soul or kill death. It makes you leave the strength of heaven for the sake of one human being.” He says the words like Dean was an idiot for not saying the right answer.

Suddenly Dean is furious. He crosses the room in two strides and stops just a foot from Cas, his eyes lit with the fire in his heart. “Do you know what love is? Love is watching everything you want in life be ripped away. Love is giving the power to destroy you away like it’s nothing. It’s watching your mother burn, or your only true father die, or begging a demon to save your brother’s life.  Love is misery, Castiel, and _everyone I love is dead_.”

Cas takes a step back. “Everyone, except Sam.” He lowers his voice but the anger and the bitterness still ooze out of him.

Dean scrubs a hand over his jaw, and can’t bring himself to look Cas in the eyes. “You know what I have done to keep him alive, but I’ve still had to watch him die. It’s just a matter of time before he dies again, and this time, there will be no one to save us. I am a curse, and the people I love are victims. The minute they come into my life, they are dead.”

This is pointless, Cas’ eyes burn with tears he cannot shed, so he turns leaving Dean alone, and goes to his room, slamming the door behind him. If he leaves the bunker he won’t last long, he has nowhere else to go. But the walls are suffocating him; he wants to be far away from Dean Winchester. Tired and confused, he falls to the bed and into a fitful sleep.

When he wakes up to the feeling of another body in his bed, his shoes and coat are removed, and a blanket is wrapped around him. Cas turns into the heat being emitted by Dean, but says nothing. Dean is lying on his back, arms crossed around his chest, staring at the ceiling. For a moment, Cas wonders if Dean knows that he is awake, or if he should be the one to break the silence. And then, finally, Dean speaks, his voiced hushed and reverent.

“I thought that if I acted like I didn’t… that it wouldn’t be real. I thought I could pretend, and never say it out loud, and somehow fool the universe. I’m terrified, Cas, all the damn time. I can’t lose you. But I can’t ask you to stay. You deserve better than this life, and every time you choose me, I just think that if you gave me up, you could be happy. I screwed up your entire life, but I’m selfish, and I’ve let you make your choices, when I should have told you a long time ago not to choose me… I’m so sorry, Castiel.”

Cas cautiously reaches over and wipes a tear off of Dean’s cheek. “Is it because I am, in your eyes, a man?”

Dean snorts. “This isn’t because you have a dick. I’m not 14 and confused anymore. I just want you to be safe. And you’re never going to be safe with me.”

“Dean. I’m never going to be safe _without_ you, either.”

Dean gives in and looks at Cas, maintaining the burning eye contact that he’s come to find such pain and joy in. “I need you, Cas.”

“You’ve said that before.” Cas says with a small smile.

“I love you, Castiel.”

Cas has wanted him to say these words for so long but it still takes his breath away when he hears them said.

“I lo-“ Cas starts, but Dean cuts him off.

“You don’t understand, Cas. I _love_ you. I need you in my life. Cas, I…I love you more than I love Sam. I love you like I’ve never loved anyone.” Dean’s eyes are wide and urgent.

 Cas isn’t sure what Dean wants him to say, so he says nothing. He leans forward and does what he has wanted to do for so many years. When their lips pull apart, Cas moves his direction higher, kissing Dean’s forehead, and whispers so softly, Dean almost doesn’t hear him.

“I have found the one my soul loves.”

**Author's Note:**

> "When I found the one my soul loves,  
> I held on to him, I would not let him go."  
> Song of Solomon 3:4


End file.
